You; who are speaking of my darkness



Ramadhan has arrived, and nothing is more meaningful than to spend this whole month at home. Staying at home, would mean that I will be the definite guest who isn't belong to any rooms, and all the things will stay be unpacked because it has been years since I had my very own cupboard to keep things. I made it so insufficient, that in my very own home I'm lack of so many things. Home is not truly home, physically. 

I lost words, but full of emotions at heart. My head is too heavy I can't keep thinking too much, not anymore. I long for affection from my very own blood and bones. He made it so intense everytime; since the minute he chose to sit where, to the minute he lift the plate.. i felt as my heart was about to explode. I've used to it, anybody else, throughout time, have got used to it. And though, this has been years and decades, going like this, living up in this intensity; nothing is changed, still.

Well, there is not much impacts, though. It just, as I grow up, I'm not just losing home and something to belong to, in fact, I'm losing my confidence, I'm losing a benchmark (or maybe, i just never had one) , I'm losing words to speak; my mouth just gone numb everytime. Yes, there's not so much impact, though. It just, I've grown up to be a very skeptical woman; I made it so clear like a long list to be ticked on every time I meet a man. ""I. Must. Be. Married. To. A. Right. Man... "" - as to what I have in mind, as contrary as to what I had in life. 

What did we do, what should we do, what would we do - what do we do everytime. 

You, who are speaking of my darkness. Stop comforting me with "independence". For once, I want to be dependent. I want to be belonged. I want to be spoon-fed. I want to be asked what I want, what I need, only for once. I want to be assured that I will the have a better life in future, that this tradition will stop to be continued. For once, I want to be told that not just I deserve to have a better you, eventually give me the better you . 

You, who are speaking of my darkness. You are so mean, and hurtful. I'm tired to be independent. I'm tired to be keeping all my feelings insides. To have a father is to be the daughter. To be a princess is to have the king. So then, who am I if  I was belong to none that has been mentioned?